Dear Rachele – Hands-free Solo Play

*Note that questions have been edited for length, clarity, and respecting privacy.

Reader asks: I am a social worker supporting a cisgender male client who has a spinal cord injury. He is not in a relationship and is looking for ways to take care of sexual his needs. He has limited use of his hands and is currently living in an assisted living facility.

Thanks for your question! I am always happy to see health care workers being open to conversations about sexuality with clients and patients, as so often there can be a lot of discomfort there.

My first thought is that your client might really benefit from trying out a sex toy!

As someone who works in a sex shop, but also as someone with mobility limitations, I am a big proponent of sex toys in general. They are great for providing new and increased sensations, offering alternative ways to engage in sexuality, and can be easily adapted to meet a person’s needs.

The thing about sex toys is they are super individualized. No two people will use them exactly the same way, and even two people with similar body parts will have different needs and interests. So while I generally prefer to get to know a client a little bit more to recommend a specific sex toy, I can offer some general advice and a direction to go!

There are two types of sex toys I would recommend for your client. Vibrators and stroker sleeves.

Vibrators

I often recommend vibrators as an option for starter toys because they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and can be used on any body part. A couple of things I would specifically look for in a vibrator for your client:

• Size and weight: Go with something lightweight that has a longer handle. Some handles can be easily situated into a universal cuff, which could provide some stability regardless of the strength or dexterity of the hands.
• Angles: A vibrator with a bit of a curve to it can be useful for playing around with comfortable angles and reach without straining the body.
• Body parts of interest: The other thing to consider is what body parts a person is interested in incorporating into sexual play. We tend to assume sex starts and ends at the genitals, and often for cisgender men, we assume it starts and ends at the penis. Something I especially appreciate about vibrators is that they offer us a little opportunity to explore parts we aren’t used to stimulating. We can explore the back of the thighs, behind the testicles, around the ears, the opening of the anus, really any body part is open for exploration!

One of my favourite elements of a vibrator is that it sort of does all the work for you. It requires very little motion to achieve sensation, so a person with little or no hand use could essentially just lie on top of a strong vibrator or push it into themselves with a stronger body part or a pillow.

Some product recommendations:

Slim G: https://venusenvy.ca/collections/vibes/products/g-slim-by-blush

Bliss Tulip: https://www.comeasyouare.com/products/bliss-power-tulip-vibe

ROMP Hype: https://venusenvy.ca/collections/vibes/products/hype

ROMP Presto: https://venusenvy.ca/collections/vibes/products/romp-presto

Stroker sleeves

A stroker sleeve, or masturbation sleeve, is essentially just a squishy, sometimes textured tube. The purpose of it is to use add sensation to or use in place of a hand. A well-known brand for this is the Fleshlight, but that isn’t the only option! Stroker sleeves come in larger and smaller sizes, and they come with and without external cases.

Some things to consider:

• For someone with no or minimal use of hands, I recommend a larger sleeve with an external case because it is easiest to attach to a pillow or neck strap to avoid use of the hands at all.
• For someone with a little bit of grip strength, I recommend something smaller without a case because it is generally lighter weight and just adds a bit of texture and constriction.

The other thing to consider is that some stroker sleeves have vibrating functions to have the best of both worlds! The downside is they tend to be more expensive.

Some product recommendations:

Kiiroo Crystal Stroker: https://venusenvy.ca/collections/sleeves-strokers/products/feel-pocket-stroker-crystal

• Side note: Kiiroo products are useful for building your own kit as they offer extra attachments to buy separately. So you could buy a neck strap, a vibrator attachment, etc.

Fleshlight: https://venusenvy.ca/collections/sleeves-strokers/products/fleshlight-classic

Svakom Sam Neo: https://venusenvy.ca/collections/sleeves-strokers/products/sam-neo

• Side note: This is a standout toy as it has a special suction function that really makes this toy hands-free. Once you get it situated, you can really just leave it to do the work for you. The downside is that it costs $149.95 plus tax, but this is fairly inexpensive compared to other brands offering similar functions.

Screaming O Jackit: https://www.comeasyouare.com/products/screaming-o-jackits-stroker-1

• Side note: This is more of a stroker pad than a sleeve. This toy is great if you want to lay down on your toy without having to maneuver into a tube!

Tenga Egg: https://www.comeasyouare.com/products/tenga-egg-combo

• Side note: This toy would be better for someone with moderate use of the hands, but it does help to add sensation and grip strength if that grip can’t be maintained for long.

Another tip I have is to remind folks that touch is not the only option for pleasure and sensation! Don’t forget about incorporating your brain. What activities or things get you inspired or turned on? Is it porn or erotic novels? Is it using your imagination? Is it listening to an erotic audio book? These resources are just as important as the physical elements.

The last thing I want to touch on in this post is about the final part of your question, that your client lives in an assisted living facility. Something to be aware of is that the care providers in that space might need some education about their part in your client’s sexuality.

Are these workers going to be comfortable cleaning the toys? Are they going to respect this man’s privacy so he has time to himself to masturbate and explore? Don’t let helper professions become another barrier, make sure they have education and resources to learn as well!

Hope this is helpful! And as the health care provider, please let your client know that he would be more than welcome to reach out for more specific questions or advice.

Rachele

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