*Note that questions have been edited for length, clarity, and respecting privacy.

Reader asks: I am a wheelchair user with weak bones in one of my legs and back pain. How can I make sure I don’t hurt myself during sex? And how can I initiate sex if I can’t do a lot of things?

Thanks for your questions reader! Let’s start with the pain question.

I personally spend a lot of time thinking about how pain and pleasure compete and coincide, both for myself and for the people I work with. It tends to be a pretty common concern!

Without knowing your exact situation and body limitations, I can’t offer super specific advice, but I can offer some considerations you can make to find what works for you.

Creative positioning

The first thing to consider is your positioning. What sort of positions are you able to accomplish that don’t add to your pain or put pressure or strain on your weaker leg?

In general, we don’t get a lot of information about positions in mainstream media, other than the classics, missionary and doggy style. The thing about positioning is that we don’t have to name positions or twist our bodies into uncomfortable angles to have great sex.

Here is how I usually work out positioning: Find your most comfortable set up for wherever you want to have sex (i.e. bed, couch, your wheelchair), then find a way to turn that into a sex position.

Are you most comfortable laying on the bed on your side? That could turn into a spooning position.

Are you most comfortable sitting up on the couch with a couple pillows for support? This could be a really good position for receiving oral sex.

Are you most comfortable in your wheelchair to avoid transferring or because it is already set up with your comfort and support in mind? Sex in a wheelchair can feel really hot! Just put a towel down if you don’t want to get too messy.

Exploring toys and assistive tech

One of my favourite things about sex toys other than how fun they can be, is that they are technically assistive technology! Their purpose is to help us experience pleasure, and quite often this is accomplished my making accessing pleasure easier because of the design of the toy.

Toys can be great for helping with creative positioning. If your most comfortable position is one that your partner’s body doesn’t easily fit into, a toy might help bridge that gap. They can help to extend reach if someone’s arm just isn’t long enough or add sensation so you can do less work to feel good.

Re-imagine your relationship with pain

This last part is a little tricky and definitely isn’t a quick fix. Something I have worked a lot on, both with myself and other people, is our relationships to pain.

In our current medical system, we are generally taught to avoid pain. This makes sense, since usually pain is an alarm system that helps our bodies get out of danger. But when you are someone who experiences chronic pain, a pain-free existence just isn’t a realistic goal.

From this line of thinking I have come to the understanding that pain and pleasure are not mutually exclusive. We can experience both at the same time and therefore don’t have to only have sex when we are pain free or have sex that we know for sure won’t flare something up.

That being said, I completely understand the avoidance. If you don’t want to feel pain during sex you shouldn’t have to, and the above suggestions about positioning and toys will hopefully account for that. Also keep in mind that sometimes pain is still working as an alarm, and if what is causing you pain is actually a useful warning that you should avoid something, then it’s probably best to avoid it where you can.

Now for the other part of your question, initiating sex.

Media has taught us that there is only one way to initiate sex – physically. In movies and television, we see two (usually non-disabled) people look at each other from across a crowded room and make some secret signal that somehow they both know to indicate they are interested in each other sexually. Then the scene probably cuts to them already engaged in kissing or sex. We miss the actual initiation, because that part is cut out.

One of the most important parts of sex (disabled or not) is communication, and this is how I choose to initiate sex for myself. Rather than relying on secret signals or just grabbing someone by the back of the neck to kiss them, I ask for what I want.

Personally, I am pretty matter of fact in my way of communicating, but that is what feels natural to me. I say things like “I’m really turned on right now, can we have sex?” or “Let’s have sex when we both have the day off on Sunday”.

But you get to decide how you want to communicate your intent and your interest. You could be more coy and say something like “You look very kissable right now” or “Come over here so I can touch you”. You could send a text with something tame like “I’m thinking about you naked right now” or more perverse like “When I get home, I want to find you naked on the bed and waiting for me”.

The main idea here is that you can initiate sex without any physical contact as long as you’re willing to communicate. And honestly, the sex will probably be better if communication is prioritized anyways.

So, reader, I hope you found this helpful and enjoy your future sexy exploration!

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